March 24, 2003
Complicated love life..
Recently I wrote that I was struck by lightning.
My current state of mind is why everything has to be so difficult. I always try to solve these kind of problems by looking what I have now, at this moment, but this doesn't help me much right now, more and more torn between loyalty to her and the fact that I (and she wants me to go to) want to go on a world trip with a woman (if you missed it : she is not going..). My planning stays : after I sell my house, I will take about 2 years preperations before I leave. I can always leave solo and meet a girl along the way, but one of the great parts of the trip is also the preperation and and this will also give you time to really learn to know each other.
Although I love to be suprised and go with the day, I always tend to look at what is ahead (looking back is a waste of time in most cases)
I have a feeling on how this current relationship will evolve (I have my bright moments), but is what I think something that she is thinking too, what is the purpose of our meeting ? Just help each other fix our past and see that there are nice people out there, who respect each other regardless of the situation they face ? At least it causes an internal conflict for me. She has 2 kids, needs to work on her life in the now and I am working on the future in which she cannot be part of, because of her kids. When I leave her kids will be in the most important part of their lifes : choosing what they will do when they are going to self support themselves. I can give these kids love and friendship (I am just another kid in many ways, so they can relate to that). What do they expect, will they be hurt (read: feel abandoned) if I leave, will she feel abandoned and betrayed again when I leave, even though she says she is not. How can I keep on looking for a girl that wants to sail with me, without falling for that girl that can sail with me.
Last week I discussed part of the problem with her, saying that this relationship shouldn't hold her back to find the man of her dreams (assuming I am not that) and added that I even would be happy for her if she fiends that man, even if it is tomorrow, she in return said, she will be happy for me too when I find the woman of my dreams.
What bothers me is that she said that in return. Is it self defense ? Is it accepting what kind of relationship this is destined to be ? (somethimes knowing whats ahead is not making it easier).
Just big time confused here, since I am not on this earth to hurt anyone. Just don't know anymore how to define this relationship in words. Love is always there and deep respect for woman too (especially independend women) and that is there to stay (love is eternal).
One thing I am not bothered with is that she has kids, since I am not after spreading my DNA around.
After 31 years in my life I have never had a relationship and now I have one, it doesn't fit the long term picture and there are a lot of "candidates" that say they love to go with me.
I probably need to talk to her soon again about this, using my new found words, to get clear what she expects form this relationships before I say something.
To be continued...
Posted by mvdb at March 24, 2003 04:44 PM
I was in a similar situation (married a woman with 2 kids). I chose love over tourism.
The problem is, it is something else than tourism (I already want this trip for a really long time....) and love (as you define it) :). We both know that, but it is still hard to figure out how this relationship should be defined. (thinking for a while here..). I cannot find any other words than I did in my post. At least you can see how conflicting it can be, especially when you both know (equals feel in this case) that this is not a normal love relationship.
Still is hard to describe.. Sigh..
The relationship (this sounds bad, don't take it literally) is more brother sister or teacher / student (where we both are teacher and both are student), with very deep respect, sympathy and deep love for each other. (I am getting there with describing it..).
My world trip is just the start of a new part of my life and tourism isn't the word for it (I am leaving, without a plan to come back, or without a plan to stay away).
I understand. I wanted to live in Europe and take contracts in different cities. One of the careers I wanted to persue before I realized that I require large amounts for expenditure, was cultural anthropology. More accurately comparative cultural anthropology. Seeing how different cultures compare and their effects on those whom are subject to them. Contracting and living in different places would have let me do that. However I chose love over this dream. More accurately, I postponed this dream for later. Such things can be done later without giving them up.
I've been in a similar situation, went travelling for 5 months and left my then girlfriend back home. Our relationship wasn't too good, so what I regret most was that I didn't break up before I left. That would have left her with a way to go on with her life earlier. Instead I broke up efter I came home.
Andy: I hope you persue your dream (not that your bad at what you do now though, just to make it clear..). I just choose to persue it now, since my dream is past the dreaming stage as it is now and I am leaving, because it is part of who I am :)
Mats: I want to prevent the problem you have and if the relationship should continue (in the husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend way), it should be a free relationship, since living apart together will just limit me in my trip. One of the options is never coming back to Holland to live in (maybe visit now and then).
Glad that is already clear to us, beforehand though.
why not plan for 2 years in taking 4 instead of one? I can think of no better environment to make kids self sufficent towards growing up than saling, can you?
Has it been done before? Yes, but that Guy had more money than you.. read soem of the writings by a reporter with the last name of Riverra for insight..
Thanx for the pointer Fred. There are lots of people who bring children (or get children while travelling), only not many people take children with them in the age 10 to 12 or a bit older (some kids are around that age when they come back, normally with one of the parents being a teacher and one case I know they sailed from birth on untill their father drowned). Maybe they can miss one school year at the time and come along, but it has many downsides (mainly financial, so it depends on the laods of money I will gather :).
For now they will have to choose their own path in life, without considering me as an option.
(Their mother seems to think that way too).
I need opinions. I have been dating this girl for over a year now and we were best friends before becoming lovers. This past December, she had to leave for her home country. Her parents absolutely detest me for no reason except that of prejudice because i'm not from their part of Europe. Anyway, she being the only child, they have literally threatened me and her, saying that they would cut-off all support, both financially and emotionally. Poor girl obviously doesn't want that to happen. Although we haven't broken up, i really doubt i'm ever going to see her again. Its complicated and i was wondering if anyone here feels that i should continue pursuing this relationship considering we really love each other, or simply keep the memories and find someone else after a prolonged period of time?