Recently I wrote that I was struck by lightning.
My current state of mind is why everything has to be so difficult. I always try to solve these kind of problems by looking what I have now, at this moment, but this doesn't help me much right now, more and more torn between loyalty to her and the fact that I (and she wants me to go to) want to go on a world trip with a woman (if you missed it : she is not going..). My planning stays : after I sell my house, I will take about 2 years preperations before I leave. I can always leave solo and meet a girl along the way, but one of the great parts of the trip is also the preperation and and this will also give you time to really learn to know each other.
Although I love to be suprised and go with the day, I always tend to look at what is ahead (looking back is a waste of time in most cases)
I have a feeling on how this current relationship will evolve (I have my bright moments), but is what I think something that she is thinking too, what is the purpose of our meeting ? Just help each other fix our past and see that there are nice people out there, who respect each other regardless of the situation they face ? At least it causes an internal conflict for me. She has 2 kids, needs to work on her life in the now and I am working on the future in which she cannot be part of, because of her kids. When I leave her kids will be in the most important part of their lifes : choosing what they will do when they are going to self support themselves. I can give these kids love and friendship (I am just another kid in many ways, so they can relate to that). What do they expect, will they be hurt (read: feel abandoned) if I leave, will she feel abandoned and betrayed again when I leave, even though she says she is not. How can I keep on looking for a girl that wants to sail with me, without falling for that girl that can sail with me.
Last week I discussed part of the problem with her, saying that this relationship shouldn't hold her back to find the man of her dreams (assuming I am not that) and added that I even would be happy for her if she fiends that man, even if it is tomorrow, she in return said, she will be happy for me too when I find the woman of my dreams.
What bothers me is that she said that in return. Is it self defense ? Is it accepting what kind of relationship this is destined to be ? (somethimes knowing whats ahead is not making it easier).
Just big time confused here, since I am not on this earth to hurt anyone. Just don't know anymore how to define this relationship in words. Love is always there and deep respect for woman too (especially independend women) and that is there to stay (love is eternal).
One thing I am not bothered with is that she has kids, since I am not after spreading my DNA around.
After 31 years in my life I have never had a relationship and now I have one, it doesn't fit the long term picture and there are a lot of "candidates" that say they love to go with me.
I probably need to talk to her soon again about this, using my new found words, to get clear what she expects form this relationships before I say something.
To be continued...
I will not spend many words on this. Just hope that the US will going to act as strongly against Israel as they do now with Iraq. The US doesn't seem to be bothered however, since the resolutions against what they are doing now dates back to 1967. Also occupation of Lebanon took 20 years and so did the UN security councel resolution for that.
Lets treat everyone the same, instead of being selective and resolve a lot of the hatred that these outstanding resolutions are still causing. After 36 years of hate building by israel, they should start spreading love and make peace with themselves.
History of Alnakba
Arab occupations by Israel
Lebanon occupation resolution
References to resolutions to isreal and reaffirmation of them
The first resolution against israel
I always knew something was bound to happen to me when I turned 31 on Februari the 14th. Born on valentines day, so most people think I must be on this earth to spread love and be loved. Spreading love is what I tried all my life (unconditionally in some cases) and I didn't expect anything back from that. Even if I get love back, I wouldn't have noticed it I guess, since the big wall of self protection that my body surrounds, wouldn't let it through, or at least absorbed all the nice feelings you get confronted with when receiving love. So 31 years on this earth, never a single relationship (at least if I leave out kindergarten).
Last saturday, someone suggested on a chat to have a meeting with the locals, so we can see each other face to face. Everyone enthousiastic, but in the end only 2 people could make it : she and me.
We had a very relaxing chat about simple things in life, like her kids, my work, her work, relationships (she was doing the talking here), the family past, about the chat where we met. We were just there to talk and nothing else, she wasn't looking for a man, especially not one that is planning on making a trip around the world and she was not in my selection of girls I was looking for (she has 2 kids).
We were just about to wrap up the meeting to go home into our safe (?) worlds that people tend to create around themselves and of course back to our responsabilities, she as a mother and owner of 3 cats and me as a owner of 1 cat and we looked into each others eyes.
We got struck by lightning at that moment and we sat there, seeming forever, looking into each others eyes, exchanging lightning. The local weatherman must have been worried by so much (local) lightning.
The thought I (and she) had was, hey this is not what should be happening, this is not what I have planned. But the message was clear : This is meant to be and everything is arranged already, so stop talking. All good times end at some point and she really had to go back to the kids and I back to my cat. In the car back home, with me as an aquarius, I started thinking : was this real, was this mutual (my biggest worry, since I cannot read women very well, when it involves myself), why does this happen and what next.
Still steaming from the lightning, not having my mind on my surrounding, but just with her and therefore not very hungry, a logical thing to do is start making spaghetti, so you can eat. During stirring the spaghetti I made a decision : This is good, possibly beatyfull, so let's go with the flow and let my heart take the lead for once in my life. The world trip I was planning may be postponed for a while, but on of the reasons I wanted to do this now, is that I had a child wish and I wanted to leave soon than being sorry for the next 25 years.
So here we were struck by lightning (it was a mutual feeling, but yeah, you might have guessed that), being confused by the weather phonomenon and realizing our planning we made for ourselves, meant squad, now this has happened.
It's now 3 days later and I will spare you the details for now, but we talk and discuss things that normal couples only do when they at least know each other for a couple of months, or in some cases even years.
I have no experience in the relation business and she is very experienced in the relation business and with 2 (wonderfull) kids. It feels like home already, although I still feel the need (after 31 years of not knowing anything else) to lead a bit of a life at my place, although I feel that will soon change too.
Not that I am chickening out or holding back, but telling her all my appointments in one telephone call and the bad news I am not staying over tonight, since I have to go to work tomorrow (it's an extra one hour drive from her place to my work..), may sound different to her, however not intended, I just don't want her kids (they are asking about living together already), to have the idea that I am around every day, since I cannot make that happen (yet).
Sigh. Life is great, if you don't think to much and therefor keep things simple.
Hmm.. Just was thinking about all my java projects that have a lack of attention (sorry everyone) from my part. I'll kiss and make up one day, I promis. Just got struck by lightning, thats all.
How was your weekend btw ?